Wholeness.

Speaking on what guided me through my journey in mainstream porn and sex work:

Guilt and shame suffocate the soul, eradicate the heart, and create an excess of the very things one is trying to erase.

The more you push away your dark corners, the more they envelop you.

You do not get to dominate reality, you do not get to hide.

If you do not face exactly what you feel the most ashamed of and guilty about, head on, it will wreak havoc.

It is coming out one way or another, one day or another.

Many people argue this seems counter-intuitive.

Just because you love and accept your darkness, just because you accept it inside of yourself completely and utterly, does not mean you always act on it.

Especially if it would bring grave harm to another.

But you DO go against an indoctrinated society and dare to love even your nastiest, most horrible corners.

And in this way, the hold that darkness has on you relaxes.

Your compassion increases.

It seems over simplified and trivial, but its true.

Keep in mind this goes against thousands of years of religious indoctrination and mind colonization, of which now has touched everything in our society, and most psychological understanding, regardless of if you are or have ever been religious or not.

Anyone remember the roman empire? Anyone familiar with the history of the murderous vatican? Anyone know the history of the catholic church? Mormons?
Anyone notice the most child molestors come from the most shame and guilt ridden religions and belief systems?

So depending on how you grew up, it will be especially triggering and terrifying.

7 years ago I was ridden with feeling like my mind was against me, drowned in shame my mother had bestowed upon me.

I had overwhelming uncontrollable thoughts about things that made me feel crazy.

Instinctively, I knew I needed to dive into them.

I knew I needed to free my soul or I would slowly go insane.

So I did, I got into porn, I watched whatever kind of porn I wanted to no matter how ashamed I felt, explored every single kink i could, whether physically or mentally, I tried my best not to hurt anyone, and I let myself and my darkness be okay, be a loved and upfront part of me.

Theres literally videos of me on the internet fucking people like a wild animal.

I woke up one day after doing that for a couple years and realized, I didn’t want to watch the same porn, or sleep with the same people, do the same things, or be the same person even.

And it wasn’t through force, guilt, or shame that I got there.

It was through sheer audacious self love.

I noticed my mind wasn’t my enemy anymore.

Not the way it was.

I used to be incapable of being in a monogamous relationship without thinking about cheating and the guilt and shame drowned my soul.

So I decided I couldnt hurt people anymore, but I was going to love myself.

So I became polyamorous for 4 years while in sex work, explored myself sexually, and let the darkest and dirtiest parts out without hurting anyone.

Then when I tried to be monogamous again, it was gone.

I was flabbergasted, it was GONE! No more tortured mind.

I was content and able to do the thing I could never do before.

So sure, call me a sinner.

But the lack of empathy for each other on this planet is rooted in our inability to accept all of ourselves.

This is NOT to say that sacred rage over injustice isn’t necessary, it is.

This is to say:

DARE TO LOVE AND ACCEPT ALL OF YOURSELF.

dare to question the voices that say sin exists.

And never forget, for thousands of years we were killed for this.

ask why.