I’ve cried while writing poetry way more times then I’ve been to a festival
I’m the pornstar that’s delicate and discerning.
A paradox of a woman.
representative of the truth of life in its terrifying core.
“paradox”
thunderstorms bring me more comfort then any person or thing ever could.
I’ve done mushrooms in intentional containers with selective people and actually never done hallucinogens at a party…
I got my partying, drugs, crazy orgies and waking up random places phase over really early
I haven’t been into that stuff in over a decade.
I intentionally jumped out of an airplane around the world 8 times to process some things and quantum jump timelines and lifetimes.
My friends are quality, over quantity.
And oftentimes I’d rather have none than filler friends.
I know most people don’t genuinely want connection they want to be helped or assisted in their career popularity or whatever game they are playing
I can’t stand this and rebel against it with everything I have
I buy 8 dollar orange purses instead of wearing one of my many many expensive designer bags
I simultaneously am fascinated by and disgusted by LA’s culture
I don’t want what nearly anyone is putting down in any way lol
I’m picky as hell.
I don’t want casual sex
I wanna fuck someone who wants to be with me, in there soul, I want to make passionate ravenous love
I prioritize money and self care over socializing with people who do absolutely nothing for me and whom would probably choose to elevate themselves over me.
I’m a loner but I laugh really hard and loud at least 20 times a day regardless of if I’m around anyone else or not or if I even talk to anyone else.
I’m really independent but also clingy at the same time somehow when I actually like someone I get obsessive because it’s a big deal for me and I’m so hyped I like a human.
I freak out when I make vulnerable stands and actions towards making someone i’m into feel safe and loved and prioritizing our connection because deep down
I don’t know why they like me, I’m not sure they do, and I still work everday to convince myself
I really fuckin am amazing
I’m stronger then most people can even comprehend and it’s casual gahahahahaha
Im crazy. I could not talk to you for a couple years and I’ll see you again, and I’ll love you just as much as the last time I saw you.
Because I’m weird and unphaseable in my love like that.
I’ve kept myself, like I’ve kept my baby blankie, soft and vulnerable somehow.
Very. Very. Very. Soft.
Sometimes, most times, when I’m around other humans, when I leave my shell, it becomes all too clear how genuine in comparison I am to them.
It makes me feel more alone then actually being alone, if i’m being honest.
I feel I stick out like a glaring sign must be pointing at me.
Everywhere I go I’m always stared at.
Looked at. Wondered over. Approached.
When I’m alone sometimes I dress ugly and wear headphones just to blend in.
Be left alone.
Have Quiet.
I’m still not left alone but a little more so.
Whenever I look at anything that isn’t what I want to be I say “no” in my head
Sometimes that’s homeless people
There’s lots of homeless in LA
-Shrug-
I do get jealous.
I don’t feel ashamed of it
I am possessive
I am not trusting
I’m a lot of work for a mega ton of reward
I call people on their bullshit
I sickly enjoy being called lovingly on mine back
I also sickly enjoy being possessed
I would never admit it, but I daydream about a man or woman who only wants me
so I can finally let this giant titan of love out
I am not always going to be sunshine and rainbows and pleasant and freedom
Sometimes I will lock you in a cage in my heart and swallow you whole
Angry colors exploding as you go down
Others I will watch you run free in the field of your own expression
loving every stroke
I’m just not like the other girls
and for the longest time I thought it made me less attractive
now I just realize
It just makes me harder to reach
only ugly to the weak
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